My Terrible Secret



My terrible secret. My blog was started for the disingenuous purpose of trying to get viewers to visit my art web site www.chrisgauntartist.co.uk  and thereby buy a painting or two. Not sure it is working! However I discovered that if I allowed Google to place ads on my blog and website they would pay me each time you clicked on a advert. Google is very clever and tailors the ads to your likely preferences. Now I am a few pence away from my first pay cheque so keep clicking folks. I will say however that I do enjoy putting my quirky thoughts down as they arise. I hope you sometimes enjoy reading them?

Heart Break Hotel!

Pensioners would get a 30% reduction at legalised brothels, or would have if the Bus Pass Elvis Party had won the Clifton North, Nottingham, council by election. As it is the Bus Pass Elvis Party beat the Lib Dems who came last! This manifesto pledge is an amusing reflection on current politics and is an antidote to the increasingly divisive Scottish Independence debate. One does wonder where the legalised brothels would be located. Hotels perhaps? If so could they become Heart Break Hotels when pensioners rushing to claim their 30% discount found some things just don't work as well as they used to! With apologies to Gerry Active pensioners especially those still with a smile on their faces!

This story is true. Well you couldn't make it up could you?

Euro Duck

It would seem that it is not only xenophobic Brits worried about unprecedented levels of migration. Spain has complained to Britain that large numbers of North American Ruddy Ducks are relocating from Britain to Spain and breeding with native White Headed Ducks. The North American Ruddy Duck was introduced to Britain by Peter Scott and have a voracious sexual appetite, so much so that the male White Headed Duck, and any other type of duck for that matter, cannot compete! The Ruddy Ducks are definitely not benefit tourists but go to Spain to work, as the female duckaritas will testify. Ruddy Ducks think the schengen agreement is a jolly good idea but the Spanish are so worried that they have asked for the Ruddy Ducks to be culled in the United Kingdom. This has already started! Does this not set a dangerous precedent? Might Britain ask the French to start culling would be migrants at Calais? where will it all end? Could it be that a Federal State of Europe starts with the creation of the Euro Duck? Surely those in favour of ever greater union should petition Brussels to cease this cull immediately.

The Cuckoo and God's Creation

Listening to wonderful birdsong the other morning I was ruminating on the perfection of birds. Unlike humans they just are. They never have to make unethical decisions. Yes raptors hunt and kill but never out of conscious cruelty. In the distance I heard a cuckoo which reminded me there is no such thing as complete perfection! What was God thinking of here? As far as I know it is the only bird that produces offspring in another birds nest. When the Cuckoo chick hatches it then murders the other chicks by levering them out of the nest. Still in the broad sweep of things nature is perfect. Why did God create mankind with our capacity for destructive behaviour of a terrible kind?

Great Pecs ( or should that be Nice Pecks )

Blue Cockerel by Chris Gaunt.

Do you buy eggs from the Happy Egg Company? This is an ' ethical egg producer ' and according to Metro, a London paper sent to me by a friend, they go the extra mile to keep their hens happy!

So much so they have produced a calendar especially for them. Called ' Nice Pecks ' It features 12 alluring cockerels in various seductive poses. Apparently they were selected from over 100 cockerels and photographed by a fashion photographer!

Hens are very visual creatures and are said to feel calmer and safer in the presence of cockerels. The calendars are being given to farms and smallholders.
If any human out there can't get one of these super calendars why not buy one of my chicken prints or originals instead? www.chrisgauntartist.co.uk 

Famous Findhorn Community

Up here in the far north of Scotland I live close to the Findhorn Foundation. Depending on your point of view, hearsay or actual experience it is regarded as wonderful, weird, false, authentic, empty, inspirational and many other positive and negatives. Whatever your point of view it has survived 50 years and this week is celebrating the fact. See what the BBC has to say about it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland-20358557

I myself volunteer once a week in one of the gardens for a morning work shift for which I get a free meal and lots of interesting chats. What is my opinion of The Foundation?

Body to die for




Gerry Active Hero

This man  started body building at the age of 87 and now at 93 aims to pull the young ( 70 years old ) girls on the beach.He is an inspiration to Gerry Actives everywhere. So guys if you don't want to lose it you know what to do! To read the full story go to this BBC link.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-20048675



 

Boris Johnson for President

Since the very successful London Olympics the already high profile of London Mayor Boris Johnson has soared even higher than his own ego.

His name is increasingly mentioned as a future Prime minister. Everybody loves his jokes, his optimism, his charisma, his charm and his political incorrectness.

He is a breath of fresh air in a world of dull politicians and doom and gloom. No wonder Conservative leaders are worried as his appeal crosses party political lines.

However there is no need to worry for behind the cultivated buffoonery there is a razor sharp mind and a gigantic ambition. Did you know Boris was born in New York and therefore why should he not leap frog Downing Street and run for President of the United States of America?

Are you a fan of Boris?

Mamils. Middle Aged Men in Lycra ( A Modern Mid Life Crisis )

I have just read this rather amusing article on the BBC News Website. It seems after the success of Bradley Wiggins, Mark Cavendish and Chris Hoy middle aged men are forgoing the mid life crisis BMW sports car or Harley-Davidson motor bike and are buying state of the art bicycles and expensive lycra clothing. As you can see I have managed to avoid lycra when cycling in France and in any case I am beyond a mid life crisis! Do read this article.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-10965608

 

Speed Loving Dog

The Gerry Active 2012 Tour de France Cycling team was overtaken by this motor cycling trio. Was it imagination, or is that a superior smile on this speed happy hot dog?
 It reminded me of the cartoon Dick Dastardly and Mutley. Anybody remember them?

The Gerry Active team are quite used to being overtaken, even by walkers! But this is the first time by a dog on a motorcycle!

What Men Need. Part Two

This is my friend Jeff. He hasn't got a shed ( see previous post ) but he does have this nice little conservatory where he likes to sit and have a quiet smoke.

I am not sure if it is an escape or banishment! The rest of the house is non smoking.

The plants look amazingly healthy don't they?

What Men Need

Apparently what men need is- space- somewhere to go that is entirely their domain. According to a survey ( who on earth commissions these ) the most popular place to get this space is the humble garden shed!

I really don't know if this is true but I do remember as a small boy gathering with friends in a neighbours garden shed. We would sit round a candle smoking cigarettes made from a type of weed. They tasted TERRIBLE but we thought we were awfully daring.

Recently I visited my family in Norfolk and I saw the shed in the photo and thought it did look quite enticing, dressed in green paint with a neat corrugated roof. I thought if I did fancy escaping to a shed one like this would be nice!

Do you know anyone who uses their shed for - space? 

Panda Panic

Who would want to be a male Panda? You spend 363 days a year peacefully chewing Bamboo and then suddenly you have little more than 24 hours to impregnate a female Panda!

Just imagine the pressure? After spending 363 days in solitary confinement suddenly you are pushed into a ' love tunnel ' with a girl you don't know. Not only that but there are photographers and zoo keepers watching!

Now I know some red blooded men may think it is a dream come true to be given ' a bride ' after a long period of abstinence, but come on, with the worlds press watching!

I am of course referring to the two Giant Pandas given to Edinburgh Zoo by China. Yang Guang (Sunshine ) and Tian Tian ( Sweetie ) are the Pandas in question. Tian Tian the female is ovulating right now ( it happens only once a year for two days ) and is said to be fired up for it. Yang Guang on the other hand has so far failed his task after a couple of attempts. Time is running out even though keepers are on hand with a long pole to move Tian Tian's tail to one side. Apparently this was a bit of a problem in an earlier attempt.

Come on Yang Guang just a few more hours, a little more effort and then you can go back to eating Bamboo. Remember all the men in the world are rooting for you.

Monty Python Moment

I wonder if this parrot is stuffed* or just trusting?

* Only members of the Gerry Active club will remember the dead parrot sketch, a Monty Python classic.

Ideology gone mad.

I am not a political person but I cannot help being outraged by the ideology behind the Euro experiment. It was conceived with the best intentions but pushed through with a political ideology which overruled all common sense. All politicians are guilty of subscribing to this grand ideal doing anything to join even at the expense of fiscal rectitude. Greece fiddled the books to get in now ordinary Greeks are paying an awful price. The other Euro nations turned a blind eye when they knew Greece should not have been allowed to join. Also it was obvious some time ago that Spain, Italy and Portugal were not able to restructure their economies within the Euro straight jacket. It was at this point that the experiment became evil. Before the Euro the above economies would deal with any lack of competiveness by gentle devaluations. Now if they left the Euro the devaluations would be massive. It has been suggested that if Greece for example went back to the Drachma it's value would halve against the Euro. Every Greek with savings would see the value halved and any debt they had in the Euro Zone double. Who knows what the consequences would be? Obviously tourism would start growing again which would probably be the only plus point. So the Euro elite in failing to admit that the experiment had failed and thereby allow counties to exit with small devaluations, push through ever harsher internal devaluations by making these countries cut wages, pensions, welfare and everything else thereby sacrificing the only thing which could work, that is to say growth. So you have youth unemployment in Spain at 40% This is nothing short of criminal in the name of ideology! the more efficient German economy has benefited enormously from a weak ( for it's economy ) Euro but is unable to stomach the cost of equalising the debt of other nations into one common pot. What a nightmare and nobody knows where it will lead.

Self Image

Some people have tattoos. Some people have images of their heroes. This cat is a bit narcissistic!

London Burning

We do live in a parallel universe. The recent riots in London and elsewhere have seen a man murdered for trying to stop youths setting fire to something. A woman leaping for her life from a burning building. Three men run down and killed while trying to protect their neighborhood. Businesses and jobs destroyed by fire and looting.

Meanwhile at the Ulverston Carnival in the Lake District the tradition of throwing wet sponges at volunteers in stocks has been banned this year due to health and safety reasons. Instead sponges have been replaced by ' Super Soaker ' water pistols! I wonder what the sturdy yeoman of Ulverston think of this?

The thought does arise that perhaps ' Health and Safety ' powers would be better employed banning riots rather than concentrating on stamping out fun at village fetes!

Two more thoughts arise
.
What would happen if the organisers of village fetes and events refused to comply with H and S orders?

What would happen if H and S tried to make rioters comply with a request not to riot as it may be dangerous?


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Marmite falls from grace

Can you believe this? Denmark has just banned Marmite! It seems it has too MANY vitamins and therefore may be dangerous to children and pregnant woman. Now where do vegetarians get their vitamin B12 from?

Don't Mess With Nature

Farmers in China have reported a rash of ' exploding watermelons ' giving new meaning to the expression ' it's a minefield'.

It seem the melons had been sprayed with too much forchlorfenuron, a growth accelerating chemical! This was an attempt to boost profits by getting the melons to market early.

Seems you don't always want a bigger bang for your buck but let us hope under endowed men don't pick up on this chemical! Three cheers for mother nature.

Network Rail Employs Sheep

Yes it's true! Network rail is responsible for a 35 hectare field full of rare orchids and wild flowers. A site of special scientific interest it has formerly cost £50,000.00 a year to protect the habitat at Great Stukeley, Cambridgeshire. Staff were paid to keep brambles and hawthorn scrub in check to prevent the habit becoming unsuitable for the rare flowers. Now however it has discovered the job can be done by Wiltshire Horn Sheep as they eat the scrub and leave the flowers!
Not only are they cheap but they do not belong to the RMT Rail Union and despite Bob Crowes best efforts refuse to go on strike.
Network Rail has named the operation HOOVES ( high output ovine vegetation system )